🌦🍂 Last day of September: This paper wasp (Polistes dominula) is dying. In September, all of them die, except for the young queens. It is cold and rainy, and it no longer has the strength to fly.

Wasps evoke different reactions in people. The paper wasp is very peaceful and rarely stings, even if you approach its nest. You can recognize it by its orange wings and legs.

I personally don’t perceive other wasps as aggressive either, as long as one respects their natural behavior and boundaries. I forgive and accept that they are not always capable of such foresight themselves.

However, many people react aggressively or fearfully at the sight of a wasp. These strong emotions limit compassion and make it easier to cause these animals harm.

But even if we try to cultivate compassion, true intentions and contexts can easily be misunderstood.

This wasp is visibly moving toward me. It does not want to attack me. Nor is it seeking contact with me as a person. It simply wants my body heat because, in its own perception, it is freezing and still fighting for survival in its final hour.

Yet I leave it to nature, because I understand that its desire, without its knowledge, would only prolong its own suffering.

By acknowledging and accepting my own pain, I was able to recognize myself in my behavior. I wrote, I took pictures. I also argued with friends, made up, cried, and laughed. I openly and confidently lived my self-concept despite its flaws. I succeeded in taking a critical yet understanding look at my own processes and acknowledged the vulnerabilities that fuel my emotions and influence my behavior and that of others. In my own suffering, I discovered understanding and thus forgiveness for both others and myself, which frees me from pain and strengthens my self-determination.

I recognize that I have a strong self-centeredness regarding the motives of others when they cause me noticeable harm, without fully considering their actual reasons and difficulties. I acknowledge that I have made mistakes, hurt people, and deceived myself about it. I acknowledge that I have paid more attention to the hurt than to my anger. I bear the responsibility for how I will deal with these insights.

However, I already feel much better. Even my brief negative emotional spikes that I almost regularly experience while winding down to sleep, which I have successfully pushed away in seconds for many years, have not appeared at all in recent days. This also applies to other emotional spikes that I usually feel in certain situations. The feeling comes, I name it, and by doing so, it becomes “dry.” The next time it comes, it doesn't happen at all because my brain does not receive a reward for engaging with it but rather a reward for consciously recognizing and categorizing it.

I have done this before, but due to the inner tensions and my ADHD, controlling my impulses has been more difficult for me, which also affected my conscious engagement with myself. I am not trying to excuse wrongdoing but to defuse its emotional component in order to create space for constructive thinking.

🏰🦁 My girlfriend at the time and I visited a chapel in Sayn Castle last year. We looked around the room, and after about a minute, I made one of my typical and initially hard-to-understand comments: 'This lion is different from all the others!' All the walls were decorated with numerous lion figures that looked almost identical—except one was sticking out its tongue. This is intentional because perfection is reserved for God alone. But why did I notice this tiny detail so quickly? Am I Rain Man or Indiana Jones?

🤠 No! It’s because of my ADHD!

🧠 1. Dopamine and Reward Sensitivity

In ADHD, the underactive dopamine system reduces sensitivity to rewards, making the brain more focused on novel stimuli, which feel more rewarding.

🧠 2. Increased Sensitivity to Stimuli

People with ADHD are more sensitive to new sensory input, making them quick to notice small changes as their brain constantly seeks new information.

🧠 3. Attention Shifting

Frequent shifts in attention help people with ADHD spot changes faster, as their brain is always scanning for new stimuli.

🧠 4. Hyperfocus

During periods of intense concentration, people with ADHD can excel at noticing small details and differences.

🧠 5. Prefrontal Cortex and Detail Recognition

Though the prefrontal cortex functions less efficiently in ADHD, heightened sensitivity to new information aids in quickly detecting deviations.

✨️ I am constantly looking for new information, changes, stimuli, so to speak, and that is why I notice such things very quickly. It’s a perfect example of how ADHD can sometimes be a superpower in noticing details that would escape most people’s attention!

It has helped me to share my experiences and thoughts on various aspects of life that not only burden me but also strengthen me. A central difficulty is my tendency towards egocentric thinking.

This developed out of a system of oppression. In order to safeguard my interests within my family while constantly being manipulated and used, I developed coping mechanisms as a child.

I never had to do much to receive attention because my relatives wanted to maintain their influence over me. As a result, I never really felt the need to develop strong narcissistic behavior patterns within relationships.

Instead, I developed more egoistic behavior patterns because every stage of my life was marked by structural instability, and other people tried to influence my perspective, often for their own benefit.

I am not trapped in this egocentrism, but I am working on identifying the harmful aspects and their triggers. Like everyone, I have certain dynamics in my personality, consisting of adaptive (useful) and maladaptive (harmful) behavior patterns. These are closely linked to emotions and emotion regulation. I am very empathetic, but this is sometimes influenced more or less by my egoistic tendencies. My ADHD sometimes challenges my emotional regulation.

Since I have reported "publicly" on my experiences, it feels like I have regained a piece of self-determination, because now it has been said, and there’s nothing more I can do. I could still reach out to National Geographic, but I believe this is enough.

It has liberated me and allowed space for independent thinking that is not constantly under a defensive posture. Being able to take a free and self-determined (less self-centered) look at my own responsibilities has led me to the insight of what I can work on to improve my situation in the long term.

I have realized that my ability to consider other people's points of view can be improved and that I have a better chance of long-term emotional stability if I learn to forgive even the deepest pain, to let it go and stop giving it power.

Her pattern a symbol,
of the morals of her kin.
Her web a floral design,
from countless threads spun thin,
on which she bears her cross,
to carry it to my grave.

R.I.P. stink bug 🩶

And to the cross spider, enjoy your meal! 😋

The female garden spider (Araneus diadematus) soon lays her eggs and therefore needs a lot of energy. 🍂🍁 She then dies and the eggs overwinter in the cocoon. ☃️❄️

In my poem, the cross spider is depicted both literally and symbolically as the bearer of the morals of her kin. The distinctive cross on her back represents not only a natural characteristic but also the burden of the moral values and traditions she embodies. Her web symbolizes the complex network of ethical principles woven within the community, highlighting how the individual is intertwined with these structures.

The image of the spider carrying her cross to the grave of the lyrical self refers to the inevitable connection between life and death, while also conveying the responsibility and consequences of the moral choices of her kin. The cross spider thus becomes a symbol of the dynamics of tradition, responsibility, and the ultimate transience of life.

A little over a week ago, I found our crowd favorite Chico with an injury. He had lost part of his tail. I then searched the terrarium for traces to find the cause. I came to the conclusion that the crack in the bamboo was the most likely cause. This matches a blood stain that I found nearby. I'll be honest, I had noticed this crack before, but I hadn't considered the possibility that his tail could get caught in it. The crack has become wider due to the moisture, which is a risk that can happen in any terrarium. That's why I hope that Chico's painful experience is a warning to other owners. It was a lesson for me to be more cautious and foresighted. Chico's tail will grow back, and during this time he will have an increased need for nutrients. Since then, apart from the missing tail, he has seemed vital and behaved as usual. Geckos, like many other lizards, shed their tails when they are in danger thanks to special muscles. It is not yet clear whether this causes pain. Some biologists argue that pain when shedding a tail is an evolutionary hindrance. Nevertheless, it is definitely something that should not be taken lightly. The second photo shows the bamboo with the gap. The constriction probably became a trap. The third photo shows the leaking tissue fluid on the day of the event. The tissue fluid helps to clean the wound effectively. Because a stress-free environment is important for healing and because day geckos usually stay above ground, it makes more sense to leave them in the terrarium. This may be different for ground-dwelling animals because their tails often touch the ground and can cause infections.

Snakes become milky a few days before shedding, called "blue phase". This is because a fluid accumulates between the old and new skin, separating them. But why do the eyes also turn cloudy? This is because, unlike leopard geckos, snakes do not have eyelids. Instead, they have a spectacle scale covering each of their eyes.

Today, 4 days after this photo, Dakota has shed his skin and is now climbing around looking for the white mice he is so convinced of.

🐝 Busy like a bumblebee!

🌻 At 13, while living in a children’s home, I took the initiative to find my first job at a garden center, working a few hours each week, becoming the youngest in my family to seek and find employment independently. At 14, I moved to Hessen to live with my father and at 15 began working as a newspaper carrier, a job I held until I was 17. By then, I had completed internships as a bank clerk, gardener, and zookeeper. I also started teaching myself web programming and image editing at 14, followed by two internships at an advertising agency. By 22, I had completed my training as an IT specialist and by 23, I was active in local politics, serving on the board of a political youth organization for three years.

🧱 Due to health issues and related prejudices, finding jobs was challenging. For example, I worked as a deputy team leader in a security archive and also took on night shifts at a conveyor belt sorting station, despite the strain on my health due to the sensory overstimulation (ADHD). I also hold a forklift license and other certifications in warehousing and logistics, and have the endurance to handle more than 20,000 packages a day.

👾 Meanwhile, I earned professional qualifications in marketing and media design and now work as a full stack web developer and designer for print and digital media.

🌿 Despite unfounded accusations of laziness or drug use, I have never had the means or social context for regular drug use. I don't even drink alcohol. I have no criminal record, and ADHD is not a psychotic illness. I enjoy nature, photographing animals and plants, and pursuing my interests. When faced with accusations, I see them as reflections of others’ deficiencies, not my own worth.

🌊 Haven of Serenity

🏝 The sloths were generated with FLUX AI. The environment and some sloth details were created with Adobe Firefly. I spent quite a long time on it. I wanted it to be completely AI generated and that doesn't always do what it's supposed to.

🏗 Originally, when I generated it with FLUX, the sloths were in a kind of metal container in a mechanical setting. I gave the image some longing, warmth and fantasy, but also subtle contrasts.

Initial prompts: FLUX AI
Enhancement: Adobe Firefly AI

Mutagenic Sloth Clockwork 🕰🦥

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🐌 Lazily ceated with
🤖 AI image generator:

Initial prompts: FLUX AI

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With FLUX you can create very realistic images. Like many AI image generators, it still has a few small problems with the number of body parts. This has to do with the way it works, but progress is being made. Modern AI models are based on complex neural networks. These networks work on different levels of abstraction to recognize and combine patterns. The program does not count, but recognizes a probable pattern in the context of the specification and environment.

A few years ago I introduced you to Google's Deepdream. A neural network that hallucinated objects into images based on training data in several runs. The basic principle has remained essentially the same since then, although the underlying technology and the ability to generate more realistic images has developed considerably.

Modern AI models work iteratively to create increasingly realistic images by building on and refining previous results. In several runs - now with huge training data and a targeted context - more and more is 'hallucinated'. The limbs are partially shaped like a back, which is why it sometimes recognizes a sloth where there is actually a sloth arm.

Bioculture: While inspiration from biological systems played a role, technology has developed in a direction that goes far beyond what could be considered a direct replica of the nervous system. It is an exciting world full of unimagined possibilities.