By acknowledging and accepting my own pain, I was able to recognize myself in my behavior. I wrote, I took pictures. I also argued with friends, made up, cried, and laughed. I openly and confidently lived my self-concept despite its flaws. I succeeded in taking a critical yet understanding look at my own processes and acknowledged the vulnerabilities that fuel my emotions and influence my behavior and that of others. In my own suffering, I discovered understanding and thus forgiveness for both others and myself, which frees me from pain and strengthens my self-determination.

I recognize that I have a strong self-centeredness regarding the motives of others when they cause me noticeable harm, without fully considering their actual reasons and difficulties. I acknowledge that I have made mistakes, hurt people, and deceived myself about it. I acknowledge that I have paid more attention to the hurt than to my anger. I bear the responsibility for how I will deal with these insights.

However, I already feel much better. Even my brief negative emotional spikes that I almost regularly experience while winding down to sleep, which I have successfully pushed away in seconds for many years, have not appeared at all in recent days. This also applies to other emotional spikes that I usually feel in certain situations. The feeling comes, I name it, and by doing so, it becomes “dry.” The next time it comes, it doesn't happen at all because my brain does not receive a reward for engaging with it but rather a reward for consciously recognizing and categorizing it.

I have done this before, but due to the inner tensions and my ADHD, controlling my impulses has been more difficult for me, which also affected my conscious engagement with myself. I am not trying to excuse wrongdoing but to defuse its emotional component in order to create space for constructive thinking.

❤️🦆🦢❤️